At what point in life do you begin to mentally feel your actual age? Better question: Does this ever actually happen? I’ve been reading a good deal of writings by other bloggers today, as per my personal blogger rule #4 see my “Hello World” post. While reading them I find myself relating to their thought process and humility in a huge way, despite their age or background. Most recently, I came upon a blog written by a self admittedly middle-aged woman, Michelle, with years of blogging experience and it truly inspired me. I connected with her writing style, her humor and method of story telling. It was refreshing. It really got me thinking. How can a person who was brought up in a completely different era and molded by such different experiences be so relatable to me? At the moment I am in my early 30’s. I’m a mom, a college grad, and working professional, yet I still find myself giggling out loud at the most immature, childish things. God forbid I see a fruit or veggie that coincidentally happened to have a growth or mutation in the shape of the male genitalia…I’ll be the first one to burst out laughing or make a tongue-in-cheek comment. Every other part of my body seems to have gotten the memo in regards to my actual age, every part that is, except for my brain. I’ve got body aches of kinds, my skin isn’t as buoyant as it once was and my “girls” definitely aren’t as perky as they once were. Physically, I’m aging. Mentally, not so much. Of course, as I’ve gotten older, I realize when and where it’s appropriate to express certain thoughts or feelings. However, I just always assumed that when I was the age I am now that I would have a completely different outlook. A more mature and grown up sort of outlook. Think about it…when you were 5 or 6 years old, how did you envision yourself at the age you are now? Personally, I fed into the whole “Barbie Scenario”. I envisioned myself married to the man of my dreams, living in a beautiful house with a pristine yard laced with a pure white picket fence and running a successful business of some kind where I can come and go as I please in order to spend quality time with my three-four beautiful children . Yup, I thought I would have it all together and all figured out. Snap back to reality: Yes, I have a beautiful child and ONE is enough for me! Yes, I love my boyfriend, married or not. And our house may not be picture perfect, but it’s ours and it’s home. I also have bills, a boss to report to, and the usual relationship issues. Despite all of this, I still mentally feel like the same goofy, light-hearted, overly energetic girl I was in my early 20’s. So with this all being said, how is it that my immature, free spirited 20’s something mind can possibly find some sort of connection with a personality of someone twice my age? Perhaps, our inner selves stop aging at a certain point. I definitely feel different and think differently than when I was 5 or 6 years old. But, somewhere in my early 20’s my mind seems to have hopped off the maturity train and decided that was its last stop. As if frozen in time, my brain still insists it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to go ahead and get those hot pink highlights or that I still have full rights to go ahead and slip into that skin-tight mini dress and head out to the club for a night of dancing and cocktails with the girls. The problem is, it’s usually the days that follow these spontaneous acts I pay ten folds. Sure, I’d still love to sport a pair of trendy “Sex in the City” stilettos to work everyday. My body, however, prefers my safe, comfy Aerosoles slip-ons option. I suppose my internal battle will eventually come to a close. My 20 something’s mind will eventually have to come to terms with my actual age and waive the white flag in defeat. Until then, it’s just nice to know that it is okay to be young at heart and a little goofy at times.
Today officially marks over 24 hours since I smoked my last cigarette…woo hoo! This is a pretty big deal for me. I have smoked for over 5 years now and even though that may not seem like a long time (I mean, I own underwear older than 5 years) however, it is still one of the most difficult hurdles I’ve ever come across. Think about it, not only is smoking a physical addiction with the nasty tar and nicotine (and god knows what other chemicals they put in those things), but it’s also a mental addiction. Getting in my car and not lighting up has been the biggest transition so far. I sit behind the wheel and wonder to myself “What do I do with my hands?”….um, hello? Drive? This has got to be one of the most God awful habits of a smoker. My car is only 6 months old, brand new off the lot, and already smells like an ashtray. I think my breaking point was opening the back door of my car and seeing the leather seats completely covered in ashes as if it had just snowed Marlboro in my car. That was it, I was done! I decided to go with the patch. So, technically I’m still receiving small amounts of nicotine, just not by smoking. I knew if I tried to quit smoking “cold turkey” it would never happen.
I don’t know why or how I ever decided inhaling smoke was a good idea. I hate when people try to say that they smoke because they are stressed…um, did it ever occur to them that they are stressed because they smoke??? Think about it: You pay about $9 (Jersey average cost) for a 20 pack of cigarettes DAILY. You lug them around with you where ever you go (along with a lighter, of course) and lord have mercy if either one went missing, you’d have a panic attack. Throughout your day, you constantly search for places that are “smoker friendly” to sit and enjoy a few puffs, which is no where these days. You get in your car….light up. You get home, eat dinner…light up. You tidy up around the house….light up. You have a cocktail, watch tv and wind down…light up. You get ready for bed….light up. You wake up…light up. It’s an absolutely insane cycle. There’s no why wonder smokers get stressed. They add an extra 5-10 minutes to every single task throughout their day, just to wrap it up by having a cigarette, not to mention they’re broke!
Smoking is one of the most common addictions in the world. Tobacco is technically a processed, government approved, drug that you inhale. You’re body becomes reliant on the nicotine and additives so much so that going too long without it causes mental panic attacks. And yet, every corner store, convenience store, and pharmacy stocks cigarettes! How is this not ludracris (or illegal)??? Taxes. That’s how. As long as the government gets its cut, they don’t care if you smoke sianide…just make sure to slap a tax on it first;)
Okay, I can go on and on about the politics on cigarettes, but I won’t (at least not on this post). This is a happy post. This is about me gaining back my life and freedom from the tobacco shackles. Its only been a day and I’m not quite sure if it’s all in my mind or actual, but I truly feel better. My throat doesn’t have it’s usual tickle burn that it normally does. My clothes and hair don’t smell like I was up all night playing poker is some 10×10 back room in a bar somewhere. I’m not even coughing as much as I think I usually do. All in all, I’m glad I made this decision. Hell, I wish I’d made it sooner!
As this is my first blog post on this particular page, I’ve decided to leave the generic title “as is”. It seems quite suiting as an introduction as this is, in fact, the WORLD wide web and I am pretty much saying “Hello”;) So Hello World…here I am!
I will admit, however, this is not my first rodeo. Sadly, I’ve created (and abandoned) a handful of WP pages in the past. Jumping into a subject wholeheartedly, stating my opinion and jumping ship just as fast once the interest is lost. I have done this my entire life. I quickly engage myself in a subject matter, learn all I feel I can in a short amount of time, then get frustrated or bored, then off to another subject I go. I suppose this is a pretty horrible habit to form, therefore, I have made a promise to myself that if I was ever to create another blog there would be a set of ground rules I must follow and abide. Let’s see how this goes;)
Rule # 1: DO NOT lock yourself into one particular subject matter. This clearly does not work for me. Along every individual’s journey, it is unavoidable to become aware of ones’ faults and dysfunctions. This, undoubtedly, is mine. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had an over active curiosity for just about everything and an insatiable appetite for knowledge. I attribute this to my upbringing (more on that subject at a later time).
Rule #2: DO allow yourself to just write. There are more times than I can recall that I would have an idea, an epiphany, or a feeling that I would quickly dismiss simply because I felt it was “stupid” or not worth the time or audience. This in itself is STUPID. There are dozens of YouTube videos with cats chasing laser lights in circles receiving over a million hits a day, why on earth would I consider my thoughts unworthy???
Rule #3: Stop over thinking. I am in no way, shape, or form a genius. I will not attempt to portray myself as an expert or know-it-all in any subject I write about. I am a human. I will make mistakes. I will learn. If I make a false statement, correct me. I will be vulnerable and open to criticism. I promise not to dwell on a single sentence for long periods of time. I promise to write in confidence that I could be wrong…if that makes sense???
Rule #4: Become involved in other blogs. This one is actually not that difficult for me. I love to read. I love to pick people’s brains. And I love to ask questions to learn others thinking methods that cause them to derive to certain conclusions… it’s always fascinated me. It only takes one comment on one blog a day to be “involved”, so why not do it? Besides, it would be awfully vein of me to unload my thoughts and my feelings onto to others and not take a dip in their “pools of knowledge”.
Rule #5: Stick with it!!! Personally, this will be the most difficult rule to adhere to. As I mentioned before, I get excited easily…I get bored easily. It’s really awful. I just need to keep reminding myself that I need this, nobody else, just me. Even if no one else gives a damn about my posts, at least I put it out there and gave it life.